Therapist Needed

So, I turned 29 and guess what? Still dealing with stuff from my childhood. It's like this weird anger pops up out of nowhere over tiny things, and it's exhausting. Therapy? Yeah, can't afford it, so Google's my go-to guru.

Let's rewind to 2021. It was a rough year, with relationship drama, money stress, and a job I just couldn't handle anymore. So, I quit. Spent a month buried in relationship and psych books, trying to figure things out.

One thing led to another, and I stumbled upon this thing called shadow work. Basically, it's about digging into your past to deal with your issues. And boy, did I have some issues. Turns out, I've been carrying around these heavy expectations from the women in my family, especially my mom's sisters. They all saw me as this super smart kid who'd fulfill their dreams of success.

Growing up without a dad, I guess I felt like I had to prove myself extra hard, you know? Like I had to compete with guys to feel worthy. Graduating later than my friends didn't help. I felt like I was falling behind and couldn't shake off this feeling of failure.

Money was tight, so I ended up in a basic job in customer service. Two years of trying to please everyone else took a toll on me. I hit a breaking point and had to walk away. It just didn't feel like I was living my life anymore.

Two more years have flown by, and I've been hustling hard. Mornings are spent behind the wheel doing a driving gig, then evenings and nights are dedicated to a remote job. The pay isn't great, but it helps keep the bills at bay. But man, dealing with traffic day in and day out is a nightmare, and it's really taking a toll on my stress levels.

To cope, I've been turning to sugary snacks way too often to numb my feelings. Not surprisingly, my weight's been creeping up because of it. Some weeks, I manage to stay on track with exercise and portion control, but other times, I completely lose myself in a sea of unhealthy habits. It's a rollercoaster, and my weight keeps bouncing around because of it.

On top of all that, I've been wrestling with some dark thoughts. Yeah, suicidal thoughts have been haunting me lately, and it's terrifying. I've tried looking for another job to shake things up, but no luck so far. It's like I'm stuck in this miserable cycle, and I don't know how to break free.